Four weeks. I am so sick of it. Sick of sitting here doing nothing. Tired of TV. Tired of reading, of crocheting, tired of sitting. I miss outside.
Do you know how many times I've been outside, including going to the car in the last four weeks? 12. Maybe 13. That is including the couple of times I've managed to go sit on the deck or the front porch. It isn't the easiest thing to do that even with a nine month old who wants to pull-up on your crutches!
I'm living in a world of near-misses (and a couple of on-targets as Nick is proof of that). Peter nearly fell down the basement stairs (thank the Lord, Nathan heard me screaming and caught him), we broke another banister spindle, issues with the dogs, oh gosh--I could go on but I think this post is long enough!
Let me tell you, if for one second you think that your role as mother or wife is unimportant in the world--smack yourself. Seriously. Your entire quadrant of the world hinges on you. It is really frustrating to sit idly by and watch the world spin around you and not be able to do anything about it. You can't bounce the baby when he's fussy, heck you can't even change the scenery by going outside or upstairs. You can't make dinner. You have to rely on your oldest children to help you make lunch. I truly am sympathetic (and have always been) to all those who struggle with chronic pain. It is one thing to be sympathetic and another to walk in those shoes. Ahem. Well, one shoe.
This period of time is intense, but it will end. I know that. And really, I've been keeping up my spirits about it all until this week. I think I got discouraged this week because pain I didn't have last week came back. Soccer started. I had two very long days sitting here and the evenings were spent with the littlest in my family trying to keep them close by watching TV. Team Umizoomi is big here right now. Thankful for that. This was also the first week that we've had no visitors due to illness, schedules, and the such. Nothing to break up the monotony. I'm starting to stress out a bit about all that is coming up--soccer schedules, 4-H, ultimate, birthdays, Easter.....not sure how we're going to make it all work if I can't drive. There are years when I would gladly nix half of it and not worry about it. But, my kids are making lots of sacrifices too. And, I'd like them to have these experiences if we can swing it. The grimey house and the bickering/heightened emotions are getting to me. I'm sure it is getting to everyone.
Now that I've got all that out of my system...let's move on to the positive, shall we? When this is all over, everyone will feel like a load has been lifted. Life will seem easy and free. My kids are learning good life skills! Nathan has been doing a lot of cooking. I'm so thankful for my Mom who has come over every week and cleaned--kept us from totally falling apart. We really have been managing quite well--the kids have mostly been willing to be helpful to me and to one another. We're surviving through the grace of God!
St. Josemaria Escriva came to mind while I was writing this.
The remedy is to look at Christ, if when faced with suffering, you at some time feel that your soul is wavering. The scene of Calvary proclaims to everyone that afflictions have to be sanctified, that we are to live united to the cross.
If we bear our difficulties as Christians, they are turned into reparation and atonement. They give us a share in Jesus’ destiny and in his life. Out of love for men he volunteered to experience the whole gamut of pain and torment. He was born, lived and died poor. He was attacked, insulted, defamed, slandered and unjustly condemned. He knew treachery and abandonment by his disciples. He experienced isolation and the bitterness of punishment and death. And now the same Christ is suffering in his members, in all of humanity spread throughout the earth, whose head and firstborn and redeemer he is.
A whole programme for a good course in the ‘subject’ of suffering is given to us by the Apostle: spegaudentes — rejoicing in hope, In tribulatione patientes — patient in troubles, orationi instantes — persevering in prayer.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue to pray that I have mobility by Easter. Maybe that is too much to ask, but one can hope! I desperately want to relieve some of the pressure that has been placed on my family.
And now, we return to our regularly scheduled programming....