October 20, 2015

31 Days: On mothering and fatigue.



{This post was written July 14, 2011 for a private blog, but never posted here.  I thought it applied here because it was a record of my feelings as a one-month postpartum mother.  I think my kids could stand to know what that is like.  The dilemma of being pulled towards the worldly things yet knowing that the most important thing one can do is love. }  Added note: a migraine has kept me in bed pretty much the last two days.  So, ahem, this is a desperation post and pretty darn fitting for this week.  :)

There are times in life when I am full of energy.

I am not in one right now.  Pregnancy and the new-baby phase drain me.  Emotionally and physically.

Suffice it to say, my kids look for me first in my bed if they don't know where I am.  Is that bad???  Maybe I shouldn't admit that!

Nonetheless, I do think that in today's world it is so very not cool to be tired.  I mean really--I'm supposed to be able to raise all these little people (homeschooled and all), cook a fantastic dinner, play board games, knit a sweater, exercise for 45 minutes a day and look awesomely toned, meet friends for coffee, and still speak sweetly to my family.

Yeah, I can't do it.  I think that (maybe) there are people who can.  But not me.  I need rest.  I need naps (though my need for a nap will decrease as my baby's age increases--but probably not until after this first year).  I'm a total grouch when I don't get any rest. Or at least, downtime. AKA--time not holding a baby or taking care of someone else.  I don't think this is being selfish.  It is recognizing the fact that rest is a necessity like food or water. Only it is harder to get!

But, you know, I feel guilty that I need rest.  I feel like I'm not getting enough done--not enriching the lives of my family enough.  I could be doing so many other sophisticated things.
 
Like making jars and jars of strawberry jam.  Or something.  I wish I were so don't think that I'm belittling those who can.  I want to be like them!!  I want to have something awesome to show at the end of my day.
 
But I don't.
 
And, in the end, I have to think of all that I AM doing (like feeding a baby every 45 minutes) and be satisfied with that.  I have to trust that it is better to rest than be a crabby mother.  Hopefully my kids will remember that when they are grown.  That I wasn't a crabby mother.  At least, all the time.  Just sometimes.  Caring for these people is the most important thing.

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